Dear C.,
A one-sided partnership is still a one-sided partnership, even when it’s couched in old-school values. The idea that one person should pay for everything in a relationship is ridiculous, particularly when you both have financial means. Gender isn’t a factor here.
But your girlfriend isn’t a mindreader. You’ve been paying for everything, driving her around and doing most of the traveling for 10 years. From her perspective, this sounds like a great relationship. How would she know that you’re irked by the fact that you’ve been pulling all the weight if you’ve never brought it up?
If you want anything to change, you’re going to have to say something to your girlfriend. You don’t need to make this about how much money each of you has or the fact that you’re still working.
I think you summed it up beautifully for me. You can tell her: “I love spending time with you. This really isn’t about money, but about the principle. Every so often, I’d love it if you could offer to treat me.”
After a decade, she may be surprised by this request. But it’s hard to imagine a reasonable person taking issue, especially since your girlfriend has plenty of money.
If she does object, you’ll need to accept the fact that you’re far more invested in the relationship than she is. What you do with that information is up to you. If you enjoy spending time with her, you can continue things as-is. But do think carefully here: Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who puts their silly, antiquated values above your feelings?
Even if your girlfriend agrees to give more, she may need a bit of nudging at first. Don’t be afraid to nudge her a bit. It’s entirely appropriate to say “Want to take care of this one?” here and there when the dinner check arrives. If you’ve had a long week, tell your girlfriend that you’re tired but you’d still love to see her if she’s willing to make the drive.
Don’t expect this dynamic to change on its own. But hopefully if you tell your girlfriend what’s on your mind, she’ll do what she can to show that she appreciates you.
