Dear C.,
Reread the postscript of your letter. Look specifically at the words “he is the most stubborn person I’ve ever met, so I’m not banking on major changes.” Because really, these are the only words that matter.
Love isn’t the only ingredient that goes into a successful partnership. A good relationship requires two people who can accept adult responsibilities. But it sounds like you’re the only adult in the room.
I’m not too worried by your boyfriend’s student loan debt or even the fact that he fell behind on payments. What’s concerning is that it seems like you’ve made his debt into your problem. Without you, would he have done anything to bring those loans out of delinquency? I have my doubts if he refuses to even open his own mail.
Your boyfriend’s medical issues are more troubling. Our health is never guaranteed, of course. Even a teetotaling vegan who runs marathons could develop medical complications at a young age. Substantial medical bills can put a spouse’s savings at risk.
One expensive option is to purchase long-term care insurance. Other strategies, like a Medicaid compliant annuity, could help protect your savings if he would require nursing care someday.
But I think the bigger picture is that you want to be with someone who makes a reasonable effort to stay healthy. You also don’t want to lie awake at night wondering if a bill went to collections because your spouse never bothered to open it. You want to be a spouse, not a parent.
All that said, even the most stubborn humans are capable of change. But real change doesn’t happen when people are comfortable. Your boyfriend is most likely to grow up if he knows he has something to lose — by which I mean you.
Think hard about what it would take to quell your anxiety about this relationship and tell your boyfriend what you need. Would paying bills together each month set your mind at ease so that you’re both shouldering some responsibility? Is there an unhealthy habit that you want your boyfriend to give up?
You don’t want to micromanage every decision your boyfriend makes. But it is reasonable to have dealbreakers. Your boyfriend can choose not to change. But the price of his stubbornness is that he doesn’t get to marry you.
